First I want everybody to know that I am not licensed in anything medically. I am not a therapist or a Psychiatrist. I am a guy that suffers from fairly bad Anxiety and Depression and found methods to help me through a different way. Like Buddhism, Taoism, etc. Also if talk of panic etc can cause you triggers for your own mental health then this you may not want to read.
Here is the story of what happened to me today.
I was not worried about my tailbone pain I felt Saturday. Or so I thought. I have a herniated Lumbar disc and even though way better. The trigger was another pain that I have felt before and it went away with adjustment. But was back and hurting some more.
I woke fairly good. I'm always working on my mental health from when I wake until I go to sleep but its different "volumes" of chatter and if I can handle them or if they overpower, that makes a difference to how the day is going to go.
So chatter was there but I was able to work with it and keep it in check. GREAT!!!! It's always nice when that happens. I even helped somebody on Twitter and was feeling pretty good at this point. Then I wanted to get outside. My youngest girl and my wife were going out shopping so I tagged along.
While in a shop My back pain sends triggers of, "this ain't going away" thinking. Not good!!!!!.......at first I'm able to keep it in check with "your good". "You're making great progress". "This kind of thing has been explained it will happen as you get to fixing it". But slowly the chatter started getting stronger and louder and more of it. Again I use techniques which help some and probably got me out of not passing out. I started paying attention to what was around me. Colors, sounds, etc. Then I said to my wife, "I gotta get outside" I walked out the shop to stand outside and try and bring myself down out of spiral out there. So start looking at families coming and going. Different accents. Different nationalities, anything to keep me present. I can feel the spiral getting stronger. I need to walk back into the shop because I'm standing in the hot sun and can feel it. I get just inside the porch area and feel myself starting to feel sick and pass out. Things are getting really dim in my ears and all I'm thinking now is "DON'T PASS OUT"!!!! I walk back outside and around the side of the building where I can see people walk in and out. Then I think, "I'm walking around outside a building looking wierd". "Oh No, a store clerk or the cops will come in a minute wondering what's going on". So I look across the parking lot and there is a nice tree with shade. I walk across and under away from the sun. I text my wife who is still in the shop that I'm losing it a bit and near passed out. She was on her way out and my youngest comes out to me with the keys so I can at least get into the car.
The drive home I start crying. I'm still talking to the chatter and trying to get a grip but it's getting to the point where I have completely had enough. We get in, I sit down and I go into nothing!!! That feeling of detachment, no thinking, no feeling, just nothing!!! Blank and don't know what to do at this point. I feel alone, scared, angry I guess even though it wasn't showing, and lost. Scrambling through why whats app and contacts thinking I need to talk to somebody but at the same time not wanting to pull anybody down with this negative shit. Wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. Then whats apped a mate, but once I did wish I hadn't because like I said who wants to hear this. He felt for me. I didn't tell the whole story but just that I was in a full-blown panic attack and hate this shit. But I was still blank and very dark. Then I thought I need to lay down. My therapist said that if you can sleep when in this crap ya brain will at least calm down.
I went upstairs and my wife hugged me which made me really start crying more. Feeling like a little kid needing reassurance that he will be ok. I laid down and all sorts of things were flashing through my mind. But kept pulling my mind to nice areas and memories. The mountains being one. Then started taking deep belly breaths. Saying nice and deep, slow and controlled. Ya brain thinks you are calm....nice and deep and slow. Counting breaths in and making them longer out. All the while still fighting off flashes of negative shit. Then started thinking, "why has this happened". "There is a reason behind this". "Am I meant to go through this for progress". "How can I use this from what happened to me today". And me writing about the experience to you is what the answer is.
I want to open up and show others you're not alone. I want somebody that may be going through a crisis right now in their mental health and don't know what to do, to know that they are not "Crazy" like people may make you feel. There is a beginning and an end to the very shit times too. All we need is lots of love when in these situations. We know people don't understand us. We know we can be a major pain in the arse to families and friends. But we are still the very people family and friends fell in love with. We just have Mental Health issues that we live every day with. Yes, there are times when the most simple of things will trigger us into a mental health spiral. We hate the mental health we have, so don't say things like snap out of it, or STOP it. WE cant help it. In fact when we hear things like that we get worse. Its a feeling of abandonment and noncaring from the people we know have our back. WE JUST WANT LOVE! It's that simple.
I hope this reaches the people it needs to. Stay strong. Keep fighting. People out here understand and love you. And for those of you that don't understand but know folks that suffer be patient with us, please. We love you for helping us even though it may not seem it. Just LOVE us, and help us get past it.
Please seek help for your mental health. There is no shame.
Writing this has helped me. It has made my negative into a positive.