I wanted to write a blog about Suicide seeing as this is suicide awareness month. Back in February 2020, I did a walk for the cause as it is something that is close to my heart. I've had an uncle commit suicide and also a guy that I worked with. The guy I worked with was a shock. Never see it coming. I went back to England on a visit and got a phone call one morning. My mate said you hear about Carl. Then the next I hear the words suicide. Some great band guys have also committed suicide too. The latest one being Kieth Flint from a band I love Prodigy. Also, another that shocked me was Chris Cornell from the band I followed, Soundgarden. He was also in other projects. I was driving my daughter to school and heard that news over the radio. I was stunned. Then you have the likes of the great Robbin Williams. Again, a shock.
I have had Anxiety and Depression for a long time. Years in fact. Started out with just bad Anxiety then the depression came. They say they go hand in hand. I gave up on therapy and pharmaceuticals many years ago. Not saying that medication doesn't work for people. Far from it. It just did not work for me. I would keep going to the Psychiatrist every month after another new test of medication with no result and in the end, he got pissed with me and said..."Well just come of it then"." Really? Just cut it off", I said. "Yep just stop it" I hear him say with anger. So I did.
Wow was that a mistake. Don't tell me this so-called doctor did not know what was gonna happen. I went through massive withdrawal. I've seen movies and documentaries of people coming off hard drugs and this sure was moving in that direction. I didn't know what was happening.
So that was it for me....No more medication and no more therapy. I went on like this for years. Anxiety still bad and the depression starting to increase. Then one night sitting in my chair in the living room I was sobbing. I went suicidal. A place of just blank thinking. Not caring about anything. Did not know what was going on. Lost feeling. Alone feeling. Like nobody cared even though I had family and friends. I call it going dark because it sure is dark.
I have related to people I have helped that also had gone in the same direction. As soon as I explained what I went through I connected with them because its one of them feeling that's hard to explain. But when somebody that has been there hears you talk about ya own experience they get it. Then a certain trust with those I have helped comes into play. Its a look and body language of oh, thank God somebody gets it.
I have gone dark more than once. I have even gone dark in my therapist's office. She said, can I give you a hug and I fell apart on her. She came over sat on the couch with me, pulled me in and I just broke down. Felt like a little kid. The inner child. I near drove past my therapist the couple times it happened. Not wanting to do anything. Again not caring about myself. Just wanting the ground to swallow me up.
For those that have somebody that goes suicidal, be there for them. No words are necessary. I have even had my mate, like a brother to me, grab me and say ya know we love ya right? Let them know you are there. That you care and you are gonna help them through. Don't say things like snap out of it. Raise ya voice at them. Put them down or anything like that. Ya know what that does? Pushes them further down to where ya can push to the edge. Don't EVER say it's selfish or ya only thinking about yourself. These words DISGUST me. Don't push them away, or not contact them cause it interferes with your day. I have heard the words its selfish and he's only thinking about himself. From personal experience, I tell you now, you are pushing that person further to the brink. Deeper into the dark depressive shit that they are having getting out of. By the way! We dont wanna die, well I don't. But its one shit hole of a place to be Ya wanna save somebody?
CARE ABOUT THEM.
DO THE RIGHT THING.
If you are struggling, GET HELP. Call somebody, reach out. Get Therapy. Look up the suicide lines and call one of them if you're alone. They are good people and they may have been through this themselves so understand. They care! They want to help you. So PLEASE seek help.
Namaste