Can ya say NO?
Yep, hard one right? One of the words that hold a lot of power as far as boundaries. It's actually a good word for us but we look at it as a negative. Why? Cause we choose to.
No is not a bad word. So why is it so hard to say? It's OK if it's somebody we don't know, right? Somebody on the street trying to give you an advertising pamphlet.."No thank you" . Somebody calling your phone trying to sell something, "No thank you". Or even somebody trying to give you something you don't want, "No thank you". Easy right? Now, what if a good friend or family member asks you to do something that you really don't want to do? That answer NO changes don't it? It's harder now. We dwell on what the other person may be thinking. They are gonna be angry. They are gonna be disappointed. They ain't gonna love me as much. They are not gonna like me as much. I'm letting them down. But is this true? How do you know that this is what they are thinking? Can we really read minds?
But not saying no to something you do not want to do and going ahead and doing it because your worried about the thoughts of the other person, who are you living for? Yourself? or others? You're sure not living for yourself because you just gave up your boundary to the other person by doing for them and not yourself.
You don't have to give yourself up to others. The problem is that if the other person does not know your boundaries then they will be crossed over and over. Think about it. If somebody asks you to go to a shop you really do not want to go to cause you don't like it, but you go anyway so as not to make the person unhappy. How do they know you don't like it? You went along right? They may think you do like it and they will ask you to go again and again. Why? You did not put down a boundary of "NO thank you. "I don't really like that place" You're saying yes so as not to upset them. It may be their favorite place but it doesn't have to be yours.
Now, where does this come from? Well, normally past roots. Maybe you were made to feel guilty when young. "No, you are going". Ever hear that? How about feeling scared to say no in case the consequences are really bad. You say no and somebody got angry ya said no. How about not feeling important enough and the other person is way more important. There are a number of factors.
Ya know another reason why it's hard to say no? It is way easier to say yes to something you do not want to do and then resent the person for it then saying no and feeling the guilt. The trouble with resentment is it hold anger. Now you are angry at the person who really does not know that you don't want to do it. The anger can even build to where you may get into an argument with the person. Easy to do right? It builds quickly too. Guilt, this is a hard one to feel. The only reason your feeling guilt though is because ya thinking that you are hurting the one ya care about. Even if you are hurting them as far as them being disappointed, it will pass. They are not hurt/disappointed to the point of walking away from you. If they do walk away because you said no then do ya really need friends like that? They are not respecting your position on the matter. It does not matter if all you want to do is sit and watch T.V instead of going to that shop. It's your choice to do that. Guilt is an emotion of feeling like ya hurting somebody. That's why it's harder than resentment. But the resentment buries the guilt. So that you don't have to feel guilt.
So, help yourself. Say no! Notice the guilt is there. Be aware of the emotion but know that you are laying a boundary for yourself. You will be respected for it and you will be living your life for you. Not living for others